Some inner thoughts
Introspection about myself and the reasons I love.
"if i could every thought, every nuance" - A likely misremembered qoute, by kuatari qouting something else
It's always been hard to describe some things when thinking about myself, or open a discussion about it with anyone but I want to attempt writing some of it down; might be easier when im "talking to myself". I don't think I'm the smartest, don't get me wrong I don't consider myself stupid either, but it is clear I have my own limits.
Which fucking sucks!!! I want to know everything about everything, I want to care more than anyone else has ever cared about every subject, I want to know every nuance, every idea, every detail and transform and make and create and ... But I cant. I don't think I have the brain or capacity for that; if it's not my lack of care, if it's not my lack of knowledge, my lack of concetration, it's ultimately my slowness. Often it feels like I'm just so very slow to come to conlusions others come very quick to, it's not impossible for me to learn something, but to really learn it in depth, to understand a system and use it, to misuse it, often feels like a thing I cannot do.
I have this iternal thing of chasing the perfect art. Not at all a reasonable expectation to ever have but it keeps clawing at my mind. I want to create something that incorporates the whole "every nuance every thought every detail, if its music, every compositional idea and every sound design with the perfect timbre combined together with only original sounds and never ever even a single sample. If its art, a style of my own creation with every thought about color, composition, framing, prespective ..." but thats unreasonable. Stupid. Ironically despite wanting to care about things, when it comes to actually creating this art, I forget to take any of it into account. ... back to relating to the paragraph before the one above...
When I look at some artists and friends I notice just how many of them have that down, especially when looking at my girlfriend... To me, she is the type of person I strive to be, the person I wish I could be. The person who cares about everything and understands every subject they take interest in to a profound level and with immense care for nuance and detail. I think I don't speak out of bias too much here, I know I've thought of this even when we werent even together yet.
I'd say I feel a little jelaous, but really I don't. I just find it as just another reason to love her even more. If I can't become the person I strive to be then loving someone who is is pretty good too. Who else to love most than a person whos the embodiment of what you want to be as a person?